5 Basic Truths That Can Help You Through Grief

5 Basic Truths That Can Help You Through Grief

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Grief is universal.

Just as you cannot avoid death, you also cannot avoid grief.

Sooner or later, it will find you. In fact, it may find you so many times, you could start feeling that life is just a series of grief-filled losses.

Some episodes of grief seem a bit easier to rebound from than others. Maybe you got laid off from a job you loved, only to have it open the door to one that is even more fulfilling. Or when a romantic relationship that once seemed like it would last forever devolves into one of irrevocable hurt and disappointment. You can learn from what went wrong and look for a new one that better fits your innermost needs.

Other episodes of grief can be so deep and so painful, they become downright debilitating. Often, they make you rethink and reevaluate everything you thought you once knew about life itself.

This level of grief often happens as a result of the death of someone so cherished and integral to your life that you can’t imagine life without them.

And if you’re anything like me… it is certainly one of the deepest forms of grief you will ever feel and one of the hardest you will ever have to work through.

While there is no universal timetable or sequence of how we deal with grief as individuals, there are plenty of common themes and reactions to grief that everyone seems to experience.

There are also some universal truths about grief — and life itself — that have the ability to help anyone work through the pain of grief.

Based on my own experience and hearing from countless others who have lost a loved one, here are some of the basic truths that have helped me and many others work through the devastation of debilitating grief.

Truth #1: You cannot change what has already happened.

Unlike many things and situations in our life and world, death is permanent. Unchanging. And so is the past. Despite our science-fiction fantasies, there are no time-traveling machines that can take you back to undo what has already been done.

This truth seems obvious. But when you’re in the depths of your deepest, darkest grief… logic has a habit of taking a back seat to wishful thinking.

No matter how hard or how long you try, there are no amount of “what if” scenarios you can run through your head to go back in time and make different choices, take different actions, or say what needed to be said.

And yet… nothing you read here is going to keep you from doing this hopeless exercise if you feel compelled to do so (and so many of us do). It is only once you exhaust yourself of the seemingly endless catalogue of “what if” scenarios in your head, you are able to choose to let it go and move one more (productive) step forward in your journey of grief.

Truth #2: The only moment you have any control over is right now.

This is really an extension of Truth #1, but it is so important, it’s worth going into more detail.

Even when we’re not grieving, so many of us get caught up in the trap of trying to control everything and everyone around us. We do it in the name of trying to control our lives down to every last detail. It seems to be human nature to feel that control = safety; lack of control = danger, stress and anxiety.

But reality is not so straightforward and simple.

It is true that we feel more secure when our environments are seemingly under (our) control. But the reality is that all of the time and effort we put into trying to control what is not ours to control is a HUGE source of stress and anxiety in our lives.

We’ve already covered that you can’t change the past. It is out of our control. We also know that we can’t control the future…. or can we? We can INFLUENCE the future through our current thoughts and actions, but we can never control it. Because it hasn’t happened yet. And because it hasn’t happened, it is inherently out of our control.

What is in our control is this moment, and this moment alone. And even in that moment, we are limited to what we can control: OUR thoughts and OUR actions.

Not those of your kids or your spouse. Not those of your parents, boss, coworkers, friends, or random strangers around you. You can influence them to be sure, but you cannot control them. They are not yours to control.

So when you are suffering and feeling completely out of control in grief (and life), here’s what you CAN control…

You can focus your thoughts and attention on THIS moment. You can close your eyes. You can take a deep breath — or as many as you need. You can pay attention to what you are feeling — emotionally and physically. You can remind yourself that what you are feeling is not permanent. You can decide what specific action you want to take right now that may influence a change to what you’re feeling in the next moment.

Maybe that action is to write about what you are feeling in your journal. Call someone who you know who will listen (and not judge or offer advice). Take a walk outside. Hit some pillows. Allow yourself a cleansing deep cry. Do something kind for yourself. Whatever you choose to do, it is the one thing you can control at this very moment.

All of this takes practice. It is not a quick fix. And it will not prevent any future moments of painful or uncomfortable feelings. Which brings us to…

Truth #3: Whatever you’re feeling at any given moment is what you’re supposed to be feeling.

There is no script or manual for what you should feel in grief. Or in life for that matter. Feelings are your (very personal) reactions to your thoughts. And I’ll say it again: whatever you’re feeling at any given moment is what you’re supposed to be feeling.

Why? Because you ARE feeling it. So you might as well accept and honor it.

Sadness. Anger. Rage. Despair. Guilt. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Whatever you are feeling at this — or any — moment is your REALITY.

The very definition of “reality” is, “the world or the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.”

Just remind yourself it will not last.

Of course, plenty of people can (and will) tell you how they think you should feel. When people get frustrated or tired with your seemingly endless grief-filled feelings that make them uncomfortable, they will make it known they no longer want you to feel those feelings. Some will feel entitled to bluntly say it to your face; others will try to change the subject and ignore your feelings; and some will drop out of your life completely.

Which brings us to…

Truth #4: Your relationships with others will change.  

This truth is a result of basic cause and effect. Your relationships change because YOU have fundamentally changed. As I said earlier, grief on this level makes you rethink and reevaluate everything you thought you once knew about life itself. And when your basic life perspectives change, you change with them.

And not everyone is going to like that change in you.

In the early stages of intense grief, existing relationships with those around you usually take one of three paths: 1) they grow deeper and stronger, 2) they become strained and problematic, or 3) they become estranged or end completely.

Remember Truth #2 and the part about you have no control over what other people think and do? You can certainly influence your relationships by what you say and do… but you cannot control their thoughts and actions. And many times, in the wake of a significant loss, their thoughts and actions are going to feel hurtful.

So if someone doesn’t support you in the way you think they should (or wish they would); if someone you care deeply about falls out of your life because they can’t handle the intense grief; if someone is downright nasty and verbally abusive… you don’t have much (if any) control over it.

There’s usually only a few things you can do…

If someone means well but doesn’t support you in the way you want or need, you can explain what you need by giving realistic examples. If someone is hurtful and doesn’t feel the need to change their behavior, you can distance yourself from them (in hopes that eventually you can re-engage…or not). If someone drops out of your life, you can try to reconnect when your intense grief has softened some.

And the reality is, you’ll most likely make new friends with people who have experienced the same level of loss as you. These new friends will be a welcomed source of comfort and understanding.

Truth #5: You’ll survive this.

Most of us have heard this famous quote from A. A. Milne’s Winnie-the-Pooh:

“You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

But you may not have heard the larger quote it is a part of:

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”

I can’t think of a more wonderful quote for someone who is grieving the loss of a loved one. And it is the absolute truth.

For anyone who is in the deepest, darkest depths of grief, you need to look to others who have been where you are to see that just like them, you will brave the horrible feelings and thoughts; you will find an inner strength you never knew you had; and you will come out of this with a new level of hard-earned knowledge and wisdom.

. . . Have another truth to add to this list? You can share it with others by adding it in a comment to this post.

Renaming the Stages of Grief

Renaming the Stages of Grief

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Chances are, you’ve heard of the stages of grief. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced them in her 1969 book, “On Death and Dying.” The stages are:

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Breaking grief down into defined segments that have a clear beginning and end is a very nice idea. This way, you would know when you’re done with one stage and when to move onto the next. You would follow this progression until you’ve accepted your loved one’s death. Then you could come to peace with it.

The problem is, reality isn’t so simple most of the time.

There is a common misconception about the stages of grief.

I talked to a psychologist who specialized in end-of-life and grief counseling after my 4-year-old daughter’s sudden death in 2009. I asked about the stages of grief. She said she had studied under Dr. Kübler-Ross when she was younger, and explained there is a common misunderstanding about the stages of grief.

Dr. Kübler-Ross used the stages to describe the similar experiences of many terminally ill people facing their impending deaths. The stages were not in reference to someone who had lost a loved one. However, grief from losing a loved one shares very similar emotional responses. So the stages of grief became widely assigned both to people who were dying and those they ultimately left behind.

Most explanations of the stages of grief now include the caveat that grief is a unique journey and many people don’t experience these stages in a prescribed order. It is also pointed out that some people may never experience all five stages.

Instead of a roadmap, these “stages” might be more accurately described as “reactions” to grief.

They should be used to help us understand common emotions experienced on the journey of grief.

But the problem with words is they can carry different meanings to different people based on personal experience. The five stages didn’t resonate with me because my definition of those words didn’t match what I was experiencing.

So I set out to change the existing words into ones that better describe the common experiences shared by those who’ve lost a loved one.

Devastation replaces Denial.

Initially, a terminally ill patient might deny the validity of their diagnosis. After all, we continually hear feel-good stories of people who beat the odds. We hear stories of misdiagnoses or people who are miraculously cured by alternative treatments. So it would be expected that a person’s instinctual survival mode would kick in and convince themselves that they will be one of the lucky ones. Because the alternative is too scary to accept.

The pain is overwhelming in the immediate aftermath of a loved one’s death. So much so, it is impossible to comprehend how you can survive it.

You cannot wrap your mind around how you will go on living in a world that no longer includes your loved one. The word that best describes how I felt during this time was complete and utter devastation.

Just like the denial of a terminally ill person, your mind can pretend the death didn’t really happen in an attempt to avoid the pain. You might continually expect them to walk through the door, or be on the other end of the phone when it rings. Or you might keep telling yourself that this has to be a nightmare you’ll soon wake up from.

While some people never experience these illusions, for others it can go on for months or even years. But unlike a terminally ill patient who is told of a future probability that hasn’t happened yet – and therefore is not absolute – you cannot change the fact that your loved one died. You are simply trying to avoid the devastating pain that comes with that reality.

Anger is still Anger, but also Avoidance.

There is no denying that you are bound to experience some amount of anger with any kind of loss. You may be angry if you feel your loved one’s death was avoidable. Especially if it was at the hands of someone else. You might be angry at God or yourself. Some become angry at family and friends for saying unhelpful (or even hurtful) things. Or because they’re not supporting you in the way you want them to. Others may even be angry at their loved one for dying.

Many people often become angry at the simple fact that the rest of the world continues to go on as if nothing happened.

You are angry at a world that doesn’t seem to acknowledge or care that you just lost one of the most important people in your life. And you can’t figure out how you’re possibly going to live without them.

I’ve heard anger can be your mind’s way of deflecting other, more vulnerable emotions you don’t want to feel. Emotions like fear, shame, guilt, or helplessness. Or a pain so deep and intense, you have not developed the emotional tools you need to deal with it.

Anger, on the other hand, is familiar. It is a primal defense against external threats.

Yet anger isn’t meant to be prolonged or a tool for avoidance. You shouldn’t deny your anger, yet you shouldn’t let it keep you from learning how to better understand and then deal with all of those scarier, more vulnerable emotions.

Bargaining is replaced by “What if…?”

I understand how a terminally ill person would feel compelled to try to change the prognosis by making a deal with God or the universe. But we don’t have any bargaining power if our loved one has already died. Instead, many people find themselves replaying the events that led up to their loved one’s death.

We do this in a futile attempt to re-engineer and alter the outcome.

The bargaining of a terminally ill person is replaced by, “What if…?”

What if they had gone to the doctor sooner, or understood the warning signs for what they were instead of brushing them aside? What if they hadn’t gone on that fateful trip, or went on a different day? There are endless variations of decisions we could have made and actions we could have taken.

Many of us go through this heart-wrenching exercise for weeks or months on end. It becomes a desperate attempt to regain the previously held illusion that we are in control over what happens to us in our lives.

But try as we might, all of these “What if…?” scenarios only end in feelings of regret, helplessness, guilt, or misery. The sooner we decide to stop asking, “What if…,” the sooner we are able to begin the slow journey of tending to our broken hearts.

Overwhelmed replaces Depression.

Read a list of the symptoms of depression when you’ve recently lost someone dear to you, and you’ll likely identify with most of them. However, I’ve heard some psychologists and grief counselors argue that instead of calling it clinical depression, it is simply our natural response to such a significant loss. It includes feelings of sadness, emptiness, and hopelessness. It causes complete and utter exhaustion, sore muscles, loss of appetite or mindless eating. Grief can cause severe insomnia or feeling the urge to escape a painful reality with constant sleep. It can even bring feelings of wanting to end your life; thinking it is the only way you’ll ever escape the unrelenting pain.

Regardless of whatever you or others want to call it, it is completely overwhelming.

Problem can occur when the overwhelming feelings and emotions interfere with your ability to go back to work or go about your daily life. Some people choose to take medication. Others oppose it. Regardless of what you decide is best for you, the important thing to remember is that what you are experiencing is a normal reaction to such a devastating loss.

In my personal experience, it is important that you be patient with yourself and allow all of these feelings to wash over you in order to process them and eventually let them go. The more you try to repress them, the longer they will stay.

Acceptance becomes Healing.

In the case of a terminally ill patient, the idea of acceptance is to stop fighting and find a way to come to peace with the inevitable reality of impending death. I can imagine this is the most difficult step of all. And some may never reach it. Similarly, some who have lost a loved one – a child in particular – may never come to “accept” the death. To many, acceptance often implies agreement or approval. To others, acceptance may imply severing ties to a past we cannot let go of.

Acceptance doesn’t have to mean any of this.

In the case of losing a loved one, acceptance may simply mark the moment we are ready to begin our journey of healing.

Our loved one is dead; we can’t change that. Instead, we have two choices. First, we can choose to stay wrapped up in a security blanket of misery. Why? Some feel it is the strongest, most palpable connection we have left to our loved one. It may feel as though we would be betraying or diminishing our love for them if we were to ever be happy in a world without them. I have been there myself, and place no judgment on those who are not ready to leave that world.

When you are ready, you can choose to begin to find a new way forward in a world that may not include our loved one, but continues to acknowledge and incorporate the deep, profound love we still feel – and always will. We can choose to embrace the overwhelming pain and learn from it. We can learn to allow joy and happiness back into our lives. And ultimately, we can choose to heal.

…

Those are my choices for new words to replace the traditional “stages” of grief. If those don’t resonate with you, then replace them with ones that do. Ultimately, the stages – or reactions – of grief are only there to let you know you’re not alone in this journey.

Wishing you peace.