While visiting my 95-year old grandmother, she said she’d been having more and more thoughts about troubling times earlier in life. In her words, she did things that “were not very nice.” The example she gave was when, as a frustrated young mother, she spanked my father out of anger during potty training that wasn’t going smoothly. Recalling the memory brought her to tears.
My father was coming to stay with her in a few days. So I suggested she apologize to him. In doing so, she could get it off her chest and give him the opportunity to forgive her. It would hopefully allow her to let the bad memory and associated guilt go.
But how can someone let go of guilt when the person they’ve hurt is no longer here to apologize to?
The finality of death is a difficult reality to come to terms with. It often comes suddenly and without warning. Many times there are no opportunities to say our goodbyes. And we lose the chance to heal all our old wounds with that person.
Sometimes we lose someone we love (or once loved) who we’ve had a difficult relationship with, or are estranged from. We are left with the guilt that we didn’t do enough to “fix” the relationship when we had the chance. Guilt may also be intermixed with anger. Especially if we felt we were the ones who need an apology from them – which we’ll never receive.
Even when we lose someone we had a wonderful relationship with, we may feel guilty that we didn’t do or say everything we should have.
In my case, the guilt is that I didn’t do enough to prevent my 4-year-old daughter’s drowning death. I have apologized to her more times than I can count. But without her here to say the words, “I forgive you Mama,” the apology is never enough. At least not enough to let go of the lingering guilt and shame.
So what do we do? Do we just live with guilt for the rest of our lives?
Do we just accept it as something we can’t change? Or do we try to shift our thinking, and change who it is we are apologizing to? Can we instead apologize to someone who is actually here to say, “I forgive you”?
The fact is, even if the person we lost were still here to accept our apology, we still need to forgive ourselves for the feelings of guilt to go away. In the case of my grandmother, even though my father accepts the apology, she still needs to forgive herself for a mistake she made almost 70 years ago in order to let the painful feeling go. The hope is that forgiveness from my dad will give her a sense of permission to forgive herself.
So rather than asking for forgiveness from the person we’ve lost – who we’ll never get a response from – we should be asking ourselves for forgiveness instead.
In my case, I need to come to terms with the fact that I am only human and make mistakes. Whether or not different choices or actions would have somehow kept my daughter alive…I’ll never know. I need to accept that my mistakes do not define me. Instead, I can use them as an opportunity to learn better decision-making skills and responses moving forward.
I am a work-in-progress, and will be for the rest of my life. Rather than asking my daughter for forgiveness, I need to ask it of myself. Will it be easy? No. But it will be the only way I will ever have a chance at letting go of my guilt and the shame associated with it.
My hope for my grandmother, myself, and everyone else who suffers the painful burden of guilt is that somehow we will find the strength to forgive our past mistakes and focus instead on how we can use the knowledge we’ve learned the hard way to make the best of the present.
This website was inspired by the memory of Margareta Sol Kubitz in hopes of helping others work through the pain of grief.
I just lost my winderful little boy 5 weeks ago. Im in hell beyond hell. I wish to talk with you if its possible. I didnt get any help here
Let me first say that I can not imagine the depths of your pain. I am so very and so deeply sorry for your loss. When I read your article, I thought about it and wanted to respond to you to try and give you a little glimmer of hope for the future. I think the most important thing is to accept that unfortunately, grievously, accidents happen. I think you hit the nail on the head when you asked if you try and accept it as something you can’t change now that there has been some time gone by since her death. I recently talked with my friend who is a nurse and who lost her adult son to an overdose. She was enduring sleepless nights and hellish days trying to think of how as a nurse, she was able to save the lives of other people, but she could not save her own sons life. Unfortunately, the world is full of things that are unfair and accidents like yours do happen. But you have to accept it if you can as an accident. It was nothing that your daughter held against you and so of course she would forgive you if you would allow yourself to believe that. I say this because I provide care as a Nanny and Nana to my 22 month old granddaughter and her 3 month old sister. If my back is turned and she falls down and I am not there to catch her, or for example this happened last night; she fell and had half eaten pieces of apple in her mouth, and started to cry and then inhaled before I could grab all of it out when she sobbed and took a deep breath. But she still held on to me and wrapped her arms around me even though I was not there to shield her from falling in the first place. I was feeling so guilty for not being more attentive to her and letting her walk around with the apple in the first place, but whenever she is sad or hurt or tired, she always still reaches for Nana because I am the one who is with her all the time. She still loves me. Children have an unconditional love for their parents at that young age. They haven’t really learned how to hold grudges or be mean spirited or unforgiving. So I am sure she has heard the many cries of your heart and has forgiven you for not preventing something that you have wished more than a million times over that you had. It is important to realize that children do not process situations like we do. They accept things at face value and know that their mommy loves them always…unconditionally…eternally. Even in death…I hope this helps you to feel better. I am so very sorry for your loss.
Thank you Bonnie for sharing your story and offering hope. Maria
Maria,
I, too, am deeply sorry for your loss, and I love your insights and questions regarding forgiveness.
Though I can’t speak to the kind of loss you’ve suffered, I’ll share my own struggle with forgiveness after my younger brother died suddenly. I felt the weight of a particular conversation, which took place shortly before he died. Stuck in a hampster-wheel of guilt and regret, I shared my anguish with a Counselor who was also my psychology professor in college. My professor invited me on a retreat with others interested in working through grief issues. One-by-one he guided us through staging a drama in which we selected others from the group to play our loved ones. I selected a young man who would have been about my brother’s age. He sat and listened; I spoke to him as if he was my brother. Then we reversed roles, and I played the role of my brother. He spoke to me the words I had said, and playing my part, asked for forgiveness. At that moment I could imagine my brother so clearly saying, “Come on Dave, get over it. I forgive you. You wanna play catch?”
I’ve never forgotten the feelings of release, forgiveness, and acceptance.
Now I use this method occasionally with my clients when they seems stuck in similar ways.
I know it’s not for everybody, and some have trouble with projection and constructivism; but for those who can receive it, this psychodramatic technique helps.
Blessings for your journey,
Dave
Thank you Dave. I found this really helpful. Maria