How to Support Someone Who’s Grieving

I lost my 4-year-old daughter in 2009. Until that point, my experience with death was limited. I had experienced deaths of people I knew throughout my life. But I hadn’t lost someone so significant in my life that I couldn’t imagine living without them.

Before my daughter’s death, I never knew what to say to someone in their profound grief.

I had been to more funerals and wakes than I cared to remember. Viewing the people in their caskets was excruciatingly uncomfortable. I couldn’t distract myself from the sickening sensation of being exceedingly aware of my own mortality.

Offering condolences to the immediate families was difficult too. I could never figure out anything except, “I’m so sorry,” which never felt like it was enough. I would try to put the whole experience out of my mind as soon as the funeral was over. That way, I could more easily avoid those uncomfortable and painful feelings associated with death and loss.

Now I’ve been on the receiving end of those condolences and uncomfortable silences. I can offer my perspective of some of the best ways to support someone who has experienced the loss a loved one.

Don’t try to lessen the pain of loss.

With best intentions, people may try to justify the loss in order to soften the pain. How many times have you heard, “It’s part of God’s plan”? Even if you believe it to be true, it doesn’t make the pain of loss any easier. Neither does, “They’re at peace now,” or, “They’re in a better place.” In fact, trying to justify the loss usually just makes bereaved people feel worse.

What’s a helpful alternative? Be honest, and let them know how you feel. I would have rather people admit that they didn’t know what to say, or that they felt horrible about what happened. I would have liked to hear how much they loved my daughter and that they would miss her terribly. It would have made me feel less alone in my devastation.

Don’t try to compare losses.

If you are tempted to say, “I know how you feel,” please resist the urge. Maybe you think you do, but chances are you don’t. Every loss is unique because every relationship is unique. And every person has a different set of life experiences. If you don’t know what else to say, sometimes the best thing to offer is a silent hug and shared tears.

Offer practical assistance.

Depending on the person and the loss, some people may appreciate assistance with basic needs. If a loss is especially devastating, you can offer to bring a prepared meal or help with chores like laundry or shopping. While some people may feel embarrassed by the offers, others will find them invaluable. I welcomed donated meals from caring friends and coworkers. It was immensely helpful during a time when cooking and cleaning seemed impossibly hard.

Be understanding and supportive long after the funeral is over

One of the hardest things about losing someone so close to you is that they may remain prominently in your thoughts long after the rest of the world appears to have forgotten about them. The pain of loss does not have a set timetable. For some, it will last the rest of their lives. One of the best acts of support you can offer someone is to let them know you still care about their loss months and even years later. Just mentioning their loved one’s name can mean the world to them – and so will you.

While these are a few things based on my personal experience, there are many more things you can do to support someone who is bereaved. There are wonderful resources in books and on the Internet, and I encourage you to seek them out.