Have you ever thought to yourself that a loved one who died will come walking through the door at any moment? The anticipation of seeing and hearing them again feels SO real, even though you know they are dead.

It’s more than just wishful thinking. It is a common example of when intense grief can make the irrational seem rational.

I personally never experienced the thought that my daughter would come walking around the corner after her death. However, I vividly remember one of my first irrational thoughts. It happened one day about a month after she drowned at the tender age of four.

The day was cold and windy and pouring down rain. Heavy tears ran down my face while knots formed in my stomach. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of helplessness as thoughts of my daughter ran through my head. I was fully convinced she was alone, cold, shivering, and incredibly afraid out there under the soaking wet ground at the cemetery. All I could do was sob because there was absolutely nothing I could do to help and comfort her.

Looking back, it was a completely irrational thought. But at that moment, it was as real to me as the hot tears running down my face.

Though some irrational thoughts have no basis in reality, many others start from a justified idea or thought. But they become twisted with convoluted reasoning.

For me, examples of these types of thoughts included my daily compulsion – multiple times a day – to look for dead bodies in our pool where she drowned. I did this even though I knew no one had been anywhere near it most days.

I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of anything that she wore or touched because, in my mind, it would mean losing her all over again. Or all of the times I woke up at night fully convinced that my youngest son (born after his sister’s death) had died of SIDS because I couldn’t hear him on the baby monitor. This went on for years.

I’m sure anyone reading this who has experienced significant grief can come up with multiple examples of their own irrational thoughts.

Why does grief cause us to have these irrational thoughts?

There is likely some scientific or psychiatric rationale for this phenomena that I’m not aware of. To me, it seems like irrational thoughts happen when our minds try to make sense of something that inherently doesn’t make sense to us. Death came when it wasn’t supposed to. Our loved one died – possibly tragically, or suddenly, or unfairly, or all of the above. And we can’t imagine how we are going to survive the rest of our life without them.

Whatever the case, irrational thoughts during early grief are actually quite normal. Most people seem to have them to varying degrees. I’ve spoken to many people in grief support groups who said they felt like they were going crazy because of them at one point or another.

The good news is, they seem to subside over time as you more fully accept the reality of their death.

Looking back, these irrational thoughts are a part of life in general; not just associated with grief.

For example, before my daughter died I was fully aware of all the accidents that can befall us and all the things that can go wrong with raising a child. As any parent would, I took precautions and steps to protect my children and taught them how to be safe. The nightly news constantly shows stories about death and tragedy. But I was fully convinced that as horrible and heart-wrenching as those events were, none of them would ever actually happen to me or my family.

Why? I’m not entirely sure. Perhaps it was because we mostly played by the rules and didn’t take huge risks. Or maybe it is simply because I just didn’t want to believe it could happen. Looking back, the idea that we were somehow immune to significant tragedy was an irrational thought in itself. Of course, it didn’t feel that way at the time.

Ironically, I think one of the most pervasive and harmful irrational thoughts related to grief is the one shared by various cultures around the world. 

It is the idea that once the funeral is over, mourners should quickly move on and get over it. And if that’s not possible, then the pain should be suppressed and hidden because it makes others uncomfortable.

This unreasonable idea denies a basic, universal truth. Grief is hard. Grief is painful. And while no one wants to experience it, at some point in your life, grief is unavoidable.

And no, as much as you want it to, it will NOT go away after a week, a month, or in some cases, for the rest of our lives.

But another universal truth about irrational thoughts in grief is that it is the result of a profound, unending love for someone.

That love, combined with the willingness to deal with your grief rather than suppress it (and get support for it), will allow you to work through it. Though it will be unbearably painful at times, you will survive it.

And whether you believe it or not, you can grow and even thrive in the shadow of it. And I promise you that is NOT an irrational thought.