For me, it’s a combination of various feelings: sadness, regret, embarrassment, shame, incompetence, failure. The list goes on. No matter what feelings go into forming it, the result is always the same: blame. Whether we deserve it or not, guilt sets in when we blame ourselves for something we think we did wrong or wish we could have done better.
For many who have lost someone dear to them, guilt often creeps in almost immediately.
We feel guilty when we didn’t say everything we should have or didn’t spend enough time with them while they were here. In situations where we make choices for their care or medical treatment, we guiltily question whether we made the choice they would have wanted. Some feel guilty that they didn’t fight hard enough to keep them alive. Others blame themselves for not seeing the warning signs early enough.
In some situations, guilt after a loss is more complicated and often unwarranted. The loss of a child often brings misplaced guilt. Parents feel a responsibility for taking care of and protecting their children. Even when their children are grown.
I’ve heard bereaved parents blame themselves for just about any type of death at any age.
A parent whose young child died of cancer blamed themselves for not seeing the symptoms soon enough. They even felt guilty for passing along the gene that caused the cancer.
A college-age child died in a spring break car crash when his friend fell asleep at the wheel. His father blamed himself for not stopping his son from going on vacation in the first place.
The parent of an adult addicted to drugs blamed themselves for not doing enough to help their child overcome their addiction. As if it were in their power to do so.
The stories go on and on.
In some cases, guilt is expected (and some may even believe deserved). These are the “preventable” deaths.
My daughter’s death was one of these preventable deaths; she drowned. Not only did she drown, she drowned in our backyard pool while we were at home.
It is still hard for me to say that. I spent hours pouring over every detail of what happened that day. I could tell you until I am blue in the face that her death was a complete accident. Had I known what was going to happen, I would have gladly traded my life for hers.
But the fact is that many who hear that a four-year-old girl was near an uncovered pool alone – no matter for how short a time – will lay blame upon me for not being with her or taking steps to prevent it. And I cannot argue with them.
My deep guilt magnified the despair I felt after she died.
It made me feel like a complete failure as a mother, and even as a human being. Feelings of guilt led me to thoughts of suicide, which I thankfully never came close to acting on.
I was ashamed to tell anyone how she died and chose my words carefully to avoid having to disclose the reason. Saying, “She passed away” or “We lost our daughter,” seemed the most acceptable description. “She died,” or, “She died in a tragic accident,” were the most likely to lead to the dreaded response, “Oh I’m sorry. May I ask how?”
I spent years in counseling and support groups working through my grief and guilt. They told me over and over that it was a terrible, tragic accident and that I shouldn’t feel guilty. I’ve heard all the reasons why it was an accident, and how it could have happened to anyone. And often does. The sad fact is that drowning is the leading cause of death for children under the age of five. I listened and nodded in understanding.
But deep down, the guilt remained.
While I cannot say that my guilt over my daughter’s death is completely gone, it has loosened its grip.
Why? I think it all comes down to choice and perspective.
I read an article describing how humans have an inherent tendency to focus on the negative. Born out of primal survival skills, when we are aware of the danger around us we are better prepared to run from it. As a result, we’re often unconsciously looking at the downside to every situation and anticipating the next potential threat.
The problem arises when tendencies turn into habits. Then long-term habits begin to shape our reality without us even realizing it. But when you hit the proverbial “rock bottom” – in my case, the death of my daughter – and survive it, one of the only ways to go is up.
“Up” for me has been slowly learning a new perspective on life using the lessons I’ve learned the hard way. I began learning how to embrace life and live it to the fullest. I’m continually trying to work on replacing tendencies of negative thinking with conscious choices based on love, truth, compassion, and joy. I’m slowly learning how to stop worrying over the past and future, and focus on what I can control here and now. It has not been easy to try to overcome lifelong habits, but it has been rewarding.
To combat the grief and guilt, I chose to focus less on the circumstances of her death and more on her and how she lived.
I’ve chosen to remember how vibrant, confident, adventurous, and loving she was. I know these qualities are testament not just to her inherent personality, but to the loving, supportive environment we provided for her.
I’ve chosen to acknowledge that it’s unrealistic to think we can keep an eye on our children 24 hours a day. I recognize that for the most part our children DO stay safe; but accidents can happen. I’m confident that I remain, and always have been, a loving mother who adores her children and provides a nurturing environment for them. And I can happily say that I know how much my children love and adore me.
Whether my guilt will ever completely go away remains to be seen.
Until then, I’m going to keep chipping away at it by sharing the unending love I have for my daughter with the world as my witness.
This website was inspired by the memory of Margareta Sol Kubitz in hopes of helping others work through the pain of grief.
Thank you Maria for your continual words of encouragement. . I wish our paths could have crossed for different reasons, but am thankful that we now know each other.
Maria, my dear, you are the embodiment of “using the lessons I’ve learned the hard way” ~ and for that, you have my deepest admiration and respect. Thank you for sharing yourself so openly in this post. I’ve added a link to your piece beneath my own article, “Grief and the Burden of Guilt,” here: http://j.mp/VqtaXo
Thank you for your kind words Marty.
Marty – Thank you for your article also. I wanted to share that in one of my groups we were told that if our loved one had 20 seconds to tell us what we could do about the guilt we were feeling, what would they say. For me, this was very helpful. My daughters response would have been “Mom, stop, please! You have nothing to feel guilty about, you did everything I asked of you. I asked you not to try and talk me out of it, just to take care of me and help Michael with my ladies. You did everything I asked. I love you”. I hear her words, and exactly the way she said them. I hurt to the depth of my being but I know I did what she asked. Maybe this will help someone else.
Thank you for sharing this article. I am amazed Laverna that I happened upon this same article as you did some years past. I guess we share the same feelings of guilt. I love the 20 seconds think and I know my son would say the same thing, please don’t feel guilty mom. I am so encouraged tonight seeing your comment here. Love you.
Thank you for this very brave and true article, i have been suffering immensely with the guilt of the tragic death of my daughter, its only been a year and a half but it is a battle that i have to fight alone because no one understands my despair including my family.
Oh Emma I hear you.no one knows the depth..
I feel like I could have written this article word for word, my almost three year old daughter was left alone in our backyard by an uncovered pool and drowned. I had four children and my oldest who is 10 was with her and I was confident that they were safe only my oldest got tired and came in and failed to let me know lucy was outside by herself. The guilt and shame of my daughters death is overwhelming and crippling but I have to forgive myself for not having the foresight for something that seems so obvious in hindsight, my other three children need me more than ever now and that’s what I focus on but the nights, the nights are hardest.
Hi. I just wanted to say thank you for this article. I was searching for help with the guilt i feel over my son’s death when I found you’re words. They helped me get back up and keep trying. So again thank you for being so honest.
Dear Sarah, your words fill me with gratitude and I’m so thankful that they’ve inspired you to keep moving forward on this painful journey. I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious son. Always remember you’re never alone. Take care, Maria
Thank you for your post.The feelings of guilt is one of the most devastating feeling I am still going thru today, almost three years after I loss my son to drunk driving.I was always asking myself if things would have been different if I had been a more better Mom to him.As if being a better Mom would help my son stop drinking.Probably it will, so the pressure is on forgiving myslef which is also a little difficult to do.I had been so hard on myself lately. I’m greatful I found your blog. Thanks
It has been 14 years since the loss of my little boy. I had a wave of sadness and guilt come over me today (which is how I came to this site). The waves come fewer and further between now, but with the same intensity as when it first happened. My son had an anaphylactic reaction to a cat. The doctor at the emergency room insisted that it was bronchitis and sent us home. I knew it was an allergic reaction, but didn’t stand up to the doctor and I followed his advice. Should’ve, would’ve could’ve. Not sure if this part of grief ever goes away.
My son died on January 22, 2016 of a drug overdose…he was in rehab, but relapsed. I have felt horrible that he did not feel he could call me…loved him so and he knew that, but heroin is the devil.
Dear Suzy: My son died of an overdose on 9/3/16. I feel terrible guilt that we sent him down to a rehab in south florida not realizing what the situation was down there with bad batches of heroin from Mexico and lax half way houses. Our guilt is overwhelming. We should have at least gone down there to take a look around and see what the situation was. He was in rehab and then in a half way house where he relapsed. We should have placed him in a more controlled environment. Maureen
Sending you hugs. I join a group in fb for those who loss children in substance abuse.The name of the group is The Compassionate Friend for those who loss a love one to substance abuse. You might want to connect.
Looking for light in the darkness and see some of it on this website. thank you
There is so much negativity out there
To Maria, Than you so much for sharing your tragic story of losing your beloved daughter, and talking about the GUILT, the overwhelming, never ending guilt. My daughter’s b.friend, hung himself this past week, Nov.6th.2016, after a long battle with demons from his childhood, a survivor of sexual abuse by his own Father. he was young and tried to numb his mind with drugs and was hooked, and tried methadone maintenance, he was taking Zoloft for his mental health issue, and everything seemed fine, and went upstairs, left his loving dog, down stairs with his friend/room mate. next morn, when he went up to wake him, he found him. the rom mate is still in shock, disbelief, and feeling guilty cuz he did not see the “signs”, but I know it was this young man’s choice. he is at peace and no more pain, mental/physical. my daughter is having a difficult time in dealing with the afterwards. was there something she could have said, thy were long distance at the time, 4 hours apart. when she had just been with him visiting, he seemed fine, usual self, etc. she can’t eat, sleep, all she does is cry and think, she will not go on any “how to cope with loss” sites, and I too, am feeling so sad about this whole issue. any help out there? does it ever get better? how do you not feel guilty, how to be free of the pain? TY to all, and bless each and everyone of you, that has experienced the loss of a loved one. there are no words…. 🙁 Susan.
This is exactly how I feel 🙁 xxxx So sorry for you but very pleased you still have children to adore, there is an occasion in every single mothers life where something tragic could happen but fortunately for the most it doesn’t. You only need to look around to know that’s true but it still doesn’t help shift the guilt when it happens to you.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps to know I am not the only mother to lose a child through a horrible (and preventable) accident. I lost my 7 month old son just 3 months ago to accidental suffocation. I though he was safely sleeping in my bed while I was out of the room and came back to find him smothered in a pillow. It is the worst feeling in the world. I always thought I was a good mother to my 2 children until this happened. It has changed my life. I struggle with the guilt every time I think of my sweet baby. I hope to get to the same place you are, where I can remember the good things and let go of the guilt. Thanks again.
I don’t know what to do. My girlfriend’s father passed away a couple of days ago from a diabetic DKA. She is blaming herself for leaving the house and leaving him alone. Technically, if she stayed home, she could’ve called 911 or even give him some insulin.
She is heartbroken and I cry with her, with no answers. Please help!
We are both atheists and “god excuses” don’t work for us.
I know the feel… my dad died from cancer a year ago and I knew something was not right. Literally years passed with me thinking something was not right and I did NOTHING…. he hated doctors and avoided them as long as he possibly can so the damn disease kept going until the day he started to have difficulty with speaking and then moving… a brain tumor from the methastized colon cancer. I just procrastinated for soooo long by not taking him to look a doctor. Blame and remembering of him dying in front of me haunts me every single day. Every single day that makes my life not longer enjoyable nor worthy. I have two kids and they fuel me to keep going, otherwise I would have joined my dad not long ago. god? I am an atheist also. There are no way to find comfort I am afraid. Seems that we have to roam this life dragging this guilt and living for our other “significant ones”. Hope this helps somehow..
I lost my father last week. Ten days before that, he felt really ill while being in the park with my mom so i took him to the doctor. We were fearing that it might be a heartattack. I was sooo relieved when the doctor said it was a severe stomach flu. When after a week he still didnt get better, i took him to our personal gp. He looked him over and said he was under stress (my parents had just moved half way across the world to be with me and my kids. So they could take care of the grandchildren, pick them up from school, be there during holidays and sickness…now that my father was retired. It took us more than a year to get the paperwork in order). That the trouble he was having in breathing was due to hyperventilation caused by stress…Again i was relieved and just laughed away my fathers concern, telling him it was all in his head. In the end he had a fatal cardiac arrest that just ended everything. He got up to go to the toilet and just dropped dead. I called the ambulace, they tried to revive him, managed to get his heart beating again after 8min but it was all too late. I held his hand untill half an hour later he flatlined…
My guilt is killing me. If i had just taken him more seriously, put him in the car and just driven him to the hospital. He was in a strange country with a strange language. He was my responsibility. He came here for me and my children and now he will go back as ashes in a container. Every time i see and hear my mother cry, my heart breaks. Her anguish over loosing her life partner of 49 years is heartbreaking. She has not once blamed me but i know that had i done something more my father could still have been alive. So i know my guilt is very rational. I just dont know how I will be able to live with it.
Well, we have to keep in mind something; we are not perfect and we just cannot assume we could have done something that can actually would have made a difference. After almost two years of my dad passing, I can tell that the guilt is hampering my relationship with my family and they do not deserve that. The emptiness and pain cannot be avoided nor it goes away. You just have to live with it and deal with it for your other significant ones. Look at this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C16w8FXCM78&t=291s Following at Sadhguru really is making a difference in my grief. Look at it with an open mind and hope this helps. My sympathy and best wishes goes to you and your mom. Rest assured that we will see our old guys one day, somewhere somehow.
My heart breaks for everyone here who experiences these terrible feelings of guilt. My 6 year old cat just died last week from cancer. I’ve been blaming myself for not taking him to the vet’s more often or not doing my homework on-line and researching what was wrong with him. I was so busy with other things I didn’t make him the priority I should have. The vet never expressed what he had was that bad, and during an ultrasound the dr said we could do a biopsy, but maybe medication would be better. I didn’t want to put my cat through the biopsy and we did the medicine. It didn’t work and I never thought to have the biopsy done. He died 4 weeks later. I feel responsible for him dying. He was my responsibility. Now, my kids are devastated over his loss as well as his sister who no longer has her brother to play with and love. He was a beautiful, sweet cat and everyone loved him dearly. Bottom line – I just feel guilty.
A few days before Christmas, my son shot himself in the head. Instead of spending the holidays enjoying family, I watched my son die. It was the worst thing I could ever imagine. He left a wife and small child who were at home when he did this. I know my daughter-in-law is suffering and I know how hard it is to try to raise small children without a father because my husband died when my children were little. I try to reach out to her, call, text, write, send things to my grandson and her and she never responds. I feel now that she may blame me for the way things turned out. After all, I raised my son and didn’t do a very good job or he would still be here. I feel guilty and angry that he did this to his wife and son.
Maybe she doesn’t want me to be around her son for fear I may “damage” him as well. Most people around me say I am a good person and a good mother. My other children say I am a good mother. But I don’t feel like a good mother. How can I? I go to work like a robot, come home, act like life goes on, laugh, smile, but truthfully there is nothing that will make me embrace life anymore. Believing in God for me only means that I believe God doesn’t like me very much.
Thankyou Maria for sharing this. It’s great to hear something so inspiring in response to such a terrible tragedy. I lost my father 9 years ago to complications during chemotherapy. It was a very confusing situation, and I thought I’d done everything right, but I could have handled it better, got him to hospital sooner and he would still be here. We weren’t close when he died, but starting to get much closer as he’d recently quit smoking which meant a huge amount to me. I feel awful for his family and friends, especially his parents, who have since passed away.
Your words are really helpful at a difficult time.
All best wishes,
Tom
Thanks Maria for the post.
I’m in tremendous guilt over my mothers Stage 4 cancer diagnose. She is just 55
It beats me everyday that i could not catch her symptoms early as she already has a lung disease which unfortunately is now cancer.
My mother’s entire life revolves around me and i have never given her enough time due to my job and other ambitions.
My laid back attitude has costed me a lot.
One should cherish every moment spent with their parents rather than taking it as a burden.
I’ve been a very shy and reclusive person specially at home.
I wish i could turn back time and make her happy every single day, share things, take more vacations.
THIS IS THE HARDEST SLAP ON MY FACE .
I have lost two adult children, one in 2009 and one in 2016. Yet, I find I am going through the same grieving process for the second, just like l did for the first. I hope one day i will be able to smile for Mark just like I do for Matthew. But the pain, anguish, guilty for things I had no control over at times still pains.